I can’t seem to organize my thoughts. The pain won’t go away in spite of my medicine. I walk around my apartment in a daze. I’m trying to keep up with the dishes and the laundry. It’s tough, though. My fatigue keeps me from barely opening my eyes half the time.

Every smell or fragrance or odor is magnified and hurts my head.  My stomach feels like a rock, yet I’m craving sweet things:  ice cream, cola, a can of frosting, cookie dough.  Even though I know the sugar and the dairy will make it tougher for me the next day, I give in and splurge.

Emotionally, this time during the holidays leaves me feeling bereft and lonely.  Yet my anxiety paralyzes me and keeps me spending time with people, even friends who understand it all.

I respect the migraine.  I keep it dark in my home.  I drink lots of water.  I sleep and sleep.

Then at night I sleep restlessly, waking up often.  Right before I wake up in the morning (between 2a and 8a), I have a nightmare where my family is holding me hostage, and I”m trying to run away.  My sleep is not sleep.  I have a panic attack during the dream – fight or flight.  I wake up panicking.  It takes me a good long time to calm down and re-situate myself in the present moment.  I’m exhausted.

And then, suddenly, the weather changes, and I’m fine. Or the holidays end and I’m fine.  I’m in a good mood; I’m singing; I’m getting dressed to go out and run errands; I’m cooking.  I want to go out and save the world.

It’s so weird.


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